Which 1860 Presidential Nominee Are You The Reincarnation Of/Would You Be Most Likely to Marry if You Were to Teleport to 1860?
Last week I started reading Doris Kearns Goodwin’s Team of Rivals about Abraham Lincoln and the cabinet of men who thought themselves better equip for the Presidency than he: William H. Seward, Salmon P. Chase, and Edward Bates. If I weren’t in a national park right now I’d never put it down. Even now I’m walking around my apartment with one hand holding the book at eye level and the other hand brushing my teeth or pulling a baked potato out of the oven. I still have about 500 pages to go so I thought I’d catch everyone up on the players.
Now, maybe it’s the Listicle culture we live in or the way the book compares the strengths, weakness, political aspirations, and home lives of these four men or maybe it’s just human nature but I can’t help but wonder which of these historical figure I’m the reincarnation of or who I’d be most likely to marry if I was to teleport to 1860. It can’t just be me, right? I mean, twos if not threes of people are probably wondering the same thing, if not something completely different. So here it is, the quiz no one’s been waiting for: The Which 1860 Republican Presidential Nominee Are You The Reincarnation Of/Would You Be Most Likely to Marry if You Were to Teleport to 1860 Quiz! (it looks long but it’s only eight questions).
- You see a group of boys putting hot coals on a turtle’s back, what do you do?
A) Cough derisively and walk away confident that you’d gotten your message across.
B) Cough sweetly, bat your eyelashes and actually get your message across.
C) Chuckle to yourself and say “boys will be boys” under your breath before walking away along the lane.
D) Tell your sons to leave the poor turtle alone and take their horse’s for a ride instead.
E) Weave a humorous tale that inspires the boys to stop hurting the turtle and become your lifelong friends.
F) Cry out in horror and take to bed for days wracked with inconsolable sadness.
G) Give an extemporaneous speech about morality and love that leaves the boys wondering exactly how much you love the turtles.
H) Quell the rage in your heart and bring the boys in for tea and a chat about privilege.
I ) Thank god these sociopaths are hurting the turtle and not you.
J) Nothing. You’re the one who gave them the coals in the first place.
2. You’ve been asked to speak at a public engagement, what is your reaction?
A) Pass. You’ve already made your point.
B) Check with your father before declining due to the impropriety of a woman speaking in public.
C) Pass but write an accidentally inflammatory article that infuriates the nice folks who asked you to speak.
D) Thank them kindly for the offer but decline. You have 17 children to care for, after all.
E) Enthusiastically accept and win over the crowds with your gift for metaphor.
F) Say yes!! Then no. Then yes!! Then play it by ear.
G) Spend weeks drafting the perfect speech then make one last minute change that will ruin your political ambitions forever.
H) Write a brilliant speech but never show it to anyone in case it disrupts your husbands political prospects.
I ) Is this a trick question?
J) No one had to ask. You were already speaking.
3. You have an evening to do with what you will, what is your will?
A) Read scripture and criticize your daughter’s handwriting.
B) Practice your handwriting.
C) Sip sweet tea and look out over the vast expanse of green lawn from your veranda.
D) Care for your 17 children.
E) Tell stories to those who have gathered around you long into the night and then maybe teach yourself Advanced Geometry.
F) Dance, flirt with your many suitors, and school the men on the politics of the day.
G) Write a love letter to your wife then plan an eight month trip to Europe.
H) Edit your husband’s latest speech and ensure that he doesn’t back down on one single, moral, issue.
I ) Is this a trick question?
J) Put hot coals on turtles.
4. Where do you stand on the Kansas-Nebraska Act?
A) I am the one true leader of the opposition to the Kansas-Nebraska Act. Obviously.
B) Whatever my father says.
C) The what? I haven’t picked up a newspaper in a while.
D) Hmm? Sounds nice dear.
E) A house divided against itself cannot stand.
F) Vehemently against it!! Oh my gosh, I can’t breathe for the hate of it!
G) So against it that I shall immediately write a stirring and inflammatory speech about it.
H) Quietly, forcefully against it.
I ) 1000% against it but still unable to vote on it.
J) For it! Feeling great about it!
5. Others might describe you as:
A) Handome.
B) Very handsome.
C) A homebody.
D) A loving partner.
E) An uneducated ape.
F) Someone who wears her emotions on her sleeve like a rolodex.
G) A man of highest merit uncrowned by highest honor.
H) A moral compass.
I ) Fucked.
J) An overstepping, immoral homunculus.
6. Which of these charges could be accurately leveled against you?
A) Arrogance.
B) Blindly following someone who’s praise you crave.
C) Neglecting duty for comfort.
D) Keeping a great man on the periphery of history.
E) Shabby appearance.
F) Hysterical and despondent in turns.
G) Impetuosity.
H) Getting too close to a man who is not your husband.
I ) None. You can’t level charges against property.
J) None. You are beyond reproach.
7. You see someone you consider to be marriage material, how do you react?
A) Run away. You’ve already lost three wives and you promised your daughter she could basically be your wife.
B) Form a secret tryst but cut it off when your father finds out.
C) Marry them and live happily ever after.
D) Marry them and give them 17 children.
E) Propose marriage, rescind your offer when you begin to fear that marriage will interfere with your political aspirations, then re-propose when you realize that you broke their heart.
F) Turn down dozens of other suitors until your one true love comes around.
G) Marry them, neglect them for your political career, realize their value, cherish them always.
H) Marry them, forgive them their faults, and serve as their moral compass for all of your days.
I ) Marry them and fight for their liberty even if you have to take it to The Supreme Court.
J) Marry them only if they’re related to an important figure in American history.
8. Why do you deserve to be President of the United States of America?
A) If you don’t know by now there’s no point in telling you.
B) My father is the one true President.
C) Well, I’m not sure I deserve it but I’d be happy to take it off your hands.
D) I do not have time to be President.
E) Why, that reminds me of a story…
F) I’ve always known I was destined to be first lady.
G) Ask Thurlow Weed. He’s been advocating on my behalf for 30 years now.
H) My husband is the best, moralest, kindest man who has ever walked the earth and it’s really a question of whether the country deserves him.
I ) I know more about the heart of this country than you could possibly imagine.
J) Don’t need it. The Supreme Court is the law of the land.
Thanks for playing! Feel free to post your Past Life/Teleportation Life Partner in the comments section below!
Answer Key:
Mostly A’s:
Congratulations! You Are/Would Have Married Salmon P. Chase! Type A’s of the world, rejoice! Your desire for organization and your belief that others will come around to see your perfections with very little effort on your part makes you an ideal rebirth/spouse for Mr. Chase.
Mostly B’s:
Congratulations! You Are/Would Have Married Kate Chase! Daughter of the illustrious Salmon P. Chase, you are destined to find happiness, or at least purpose, striving to make someone else’s dreams come true and neglecting your own desires in the process.
Mostly C’s:
Congratulations! You Are/Would Have Married Edward Bates! You are quick to give up the lofty aspirations of your youth for the temperate comforts of your Missouri estate, never far from your loving wife and children.
Mostly D’s:
Congratulations! You Are/Would Have Married Julia Coalter! Devoted wife of Edward Bates, you are not much for politics. You would rather care for your panoply of children and trust that whatever’s going on on the outside will blow over soon enough.
Mostly E’s:
Congratulations! You Are/Would Have Married Abraham Lincoln! A masterful storyteller and a political genius, you are always looking for a way to make your mark on the world. Your clothes might not fit you terrible well but you’ll earn people’s respect with your passion, impeccable logical, and gift for gab.
Mostly F’s:
Congratulations! You Are/Would Have Married Mary Todd Lincoln! You feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. As ambitious as you are voluptuous, you know what you want and keep faith that it will be yours in time. You might not be the most emotionally stable of reincarnates/spouses but you are well worth the attention you crave.
Mostly G’s:
Congratulations! You Are/Would Have Married William H. Seward! Yours is a charmed life. You are brilliant, well educated, and well ahead of the times on moral issues of the day. You sometimes let your conviction overcome your political expediency so it’s a good thing you have a strong relationship with your s.o. and your bff4l, Thurlow Weed, to advocate for you.
Mostly H’s:
Congratulations! You Are/Would Have Married Francis Seward! The devoted wife of William H. Seward and a politically active citizen in your own right, you are always on the lookout for ways to make a difference in the world. You may not always be able to act as exuberantly as you would wish but your love enables national progress.
Mostly I’s:
Congratulations! You Are/Would Have Married Dred Scott! Yours is a difficult journey. After spending years of your life in free states without experiencing freedom yourself, you take your case to the Supreme Court only to be denied the liberty that you so clearly deserve. While you do eventually attain freedom, you die shortly thereafter.
Mostly J’s:
Congratulations! You Are/Would Have Married Supreme Court Chief Justice Roger Taney! Responsible for stifling human rights in America, conspiring with an incumbent President to manipulate public policy, and delivering the appalling decision in the Dred Scott case that far exceeded the question put to the court, you are widely regarded (in the North) as the worst person ever.
